If you are divorced, do you feel upside down? Does anything look the way it used to?

Before your divorce, did you put on a happy face when you went out in public, even though your life was falling apart? Did you try to portray the perfect life: a happy family and the ideal marriage?

For many people going through a divorce, the reality of their home life was something quite different from what was portrayed to the world. Then, when they went out on their own and tried to make a clean start of it, the outside world judged them as having made a mess of their life.

Feeling good about yourself is difficult when everything as you know it has been turned upside down, and others are judging you negatively.

Getting your life back together after the divorce is very much like cleaning house. You have the rugs steam cleaned; the furniture moved in order to sweep and mop under it; and the laundry done. You wash the windows, paint the walls, and get rid of the worn-out or unnecessary collected litter. In the middle of the process, your house looks like a bomb went off. Now imagine that a friend stops by, sees the total disorder, and moans, Oh no! You look like a national disaster! But thats the way a house looks when you clean it deeply. You have to take it all apart to put it back together with integrity.

That is what happens when you get your life turned right side up. You are eliminating the lies, false presentations, and negative energy. You are taking care of what is worthwhile and getting rid of what doesnt work anymore.

Find your support system.

Surround yourself with people who mirror to you who you are, what your strengths are, and who see the good in you. How we see ourselves is a reflection of the people we interact with in our daily lives.

Clean out the clutter.

Keep what is good for you or your children, but withdraw from the situations, places or things that pull you back into the old negative world. Do a massive cleaning of your home and work place and remove the clutter. Do the tasks, one at a time, you have been putting off doing.

Get rid of the drainers.

Wean yourself from those people in your life who leave you feeling tired, inadequate, or depressed. Make a conscious effort to cultivate people who contribute to your feeling hopeful and optimistic every time you are in their presence.

Set stronger limits to help you feel safe

Learn your personal balance points. Its critical to your well-being to know you can get back in balance when you are spending inordinate amounts of time in one area and not enough in others. Honor that voice inside when it says, Enough is enough.

Develop proactive boundaries.

It is self-preserving to do those things that head off problems before they arise. For example, give yourself 10 minutes of quiet time after work, before you deal with supper and children.

Maintain your reactive boundaries.

Do not take the bait when someone provokes you to anger and argument. Stay calm and in control of yourself while you sort it out, thinking through the important points you want to make, and the requests you might have.

Setting your house in order and turning your life back around takes energy, courage, and support. But it will put a smile on your face. Only this smile will be different from the old one you used to have. This one will be real.

Tonja Weimer

Tonja Evetts Weimer is a Master Certified singles relationship and life coach, speaker, syndicated columnist and author.

Tonja is a full time professional coach with a practice in Greenville, SC. She helps individuals, especially singles, re-craft their lives and find happiness and success in their career and relationships. Some of Tonja's professional activities include:

==> Syndicated singles relationship columnist, writing SAVVY DATING, a weekly column read by over a million readers in many U.S newspapers. Tonja's column addresses relationship and life issues of interest to all adults, but particularly to the over 110 million singles in the U.S. Tonja has also had articles published in New Woman, Hope, and House Beautiful magazines, and has won 3 Matrix Awards for her writing.

==> Motivational speaker, Tonja has been a keynote presenter at national and international conferences over the last 30 years.

==> Author of materials for educators and parents (7 books, six music albums and 2 videos), which have won 22 awards.

Some Speaking and Media Highlights:

==> Keynote speaker for 2004 Women?s Issues Network Conference, Sumter, SC.

==> Keynote speaker for 2002 Parents as Teachers International Conference, St. Louis, MO.

==> Keynote speaker for 1999 International Conference for Children & Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder.

==> Keynote speaker for 1998 European Education Conference, in Mannheim, Germany.

==> Keynote speaker in 35 U.S. states at educational conferences.

==> Presenter at the International Special Olympics in Notre Dame, at the request of Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

==> Created Space Songs for Children, at the request of NASA (album taken into space by astronauts three times.)

==> Appeared on CNN?s Showbiz Today and many other TV shows.

Educational and Professional Qualifications:

==> National Fellow (U.S. Dept. of Education.) M.A. in Human Development and Education, with an emphasis on creativity.

==> Master Certified Singles Relationship Coach, Relationship Coaching Institute.

==> Personal Life Coach, Graduate, Institute for Life Coach Training.

==> Member, International Coaching Federation